Double Team Review (Jake Salvage)

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    Jake Salvage
    Jake Salvage

    So, in preparation for the next Feb-Bolo-Yeung-Uary video, I decided to watch Double Team (starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme and Dennis Rodman), which I mistook for Double Impact (starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme and Jean-Claude Van-Damme.)

    Sadly, part of the reason it was hard for me to enjoy this film was because Bolo Yeung never showed up, and now I know how a puppy feels when it’s owner goes to Tibet because he “just has to find [himself], MAN”, gets shivved by a sherpa who gets sick of him spoiling Game of Thrones on their long journey up a shitty cold mountain, and while the blood pooling out of what was once a 311 tattoo in the kidney spot on his back freezes poetically for no one in particular to see (since the sherpa already turned around and left), his last thought is “Shit, I had a puppy didn’t I.”

    I’ve decided that if someone had described the movie to me, I would have enjoyed the description of events more than actually watching the film, because Peter Pau and Bill Pankow, the cinematographer and editor of Double Team respectively, were raised in a single room together with only one episode of Adam West era Batman on a VHS playing on a VCR whose speed was not set properly and always played the one episode really fast and they still don’t understand to this day why their films disorient people.

    So, I will spoil this film and describe everything that actually should have rocked but really did not in execution (which may explain how this film was funded, besides coke). These events are in no particular order (except the last) to enhance your enjoyment of this film in your mind.

    – JCVD and Rodman jump out of a plane. In lieu of parachutes, they are engulfed in a basketball before they hit the ground and land safely.

    – Techno Monks (actual monks who hack with computers) who live in the catacombs beneath Rome look at late-nineties internet sex chat rooms.

    – JCVD solves terrorist crimes by being linked to a network of other anti-terrorists operatives who are all staring at the same Zordon-sized holographic screen through VR glasses.

    – JCVD rams a segmented military truck full of Plutonium through a train.

    – JCVD does the splits.

    – Dennis Rodman has a secret room in his BDSM Techno club in Antwerp which can only be opened by signaling an underwater gimp in a tank full of water built into a wall to push a button in the tank which opens the door to the secret room.

    – A scuba diver, who was moments earlier trying to suffocate JCVD underwater with a plastic bag, gets blown up by blue lasers.

    – JCVD asks a soldier in an open cargo plane if he has a parachute. After courteously waiting for the affirmative, JCVD kicks him out of the plane.

    – JCVD and Rodman shield a baby from a massive explosive shock-wave of fire by taking cover behind one of many Coca-Cola machines which previously lined the empty corridor they were running through.

    – A tiger attacks a crying Mickey Rourke who steps off of a landmine which is connected to a massive network of explosions in order to kill both himself and the mid-air tiger.

    You’re welcome.

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